I saw an interaction this morning that stopped me in my tracks.
A child, newly three, was crying because he had lost a toy in the car. Then he began yelling. Then kicking. The upset kept intensifying as his caregiver watched, not wanting to stop him from getting through his feelings (as she told another adult who asked if she could assist). She's surely been told somewhere along the line that accepting children's feelings means not stopping them. Yay!...But she's missing some follow -up.
Children need to know that it's okay to be angry or sad or excited or whatever else they feel. But they also sometimes need help getting through to the calm after. An adult standing by, mute, communicates a lack of interest, not acceptance. The child intensifies, needing guidance and reassurance. The adult, so good - heartedly eager to accept the child as they are, remains unphased. The child cries out more for the centering that occurs when an adult they're attached to can initiate a connection, empathize, and/ or provide the quiet physical comfort of a hug or back rub. The adult sees the child as needing to get through it.
Children aren't born knowing how to bring themselves back down from an emotional upset. As critical as it is for them to feel the whole human range of emotions, it's just as important to model and co-regulate with them. It won't always stop a tantrum, but that isn't the goal. The goal is to help the child successfully manage those big feelings, and come through the other side.
Imagine you're in bed, about to fall asleep. Your significant other is cuddled up to you (or on the other side of the bed, maybe you prefer a little space), your blankets are right where you need them, and you can barely keep your eyes open; not that you want to. Suddenly, your neighbor walks in. You're on good terms with your neighbor, but they're not your best friend or anything. Why are they in your room? Even more to the point, why are they stroking your hair and telling you how old and fat you're getting? This is rapidly encroaching on illegal, right? Why is this socially acceptable to do to people who can't speak up to protest? Why are there people who feel the need to pick up, pat the head, or tickle the feet of every small child they encounter? Why are strangers more willing to touch a strange baby than a strange dog? It seems to come back to the image of the child, and the idea that they are less human and more ornamental. It takes a perspective shi...
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