I saw an interaction this morning that stopped me in my tracks.
A child, newly three, was crying because he had lost a toy in the car. Then he began yelling. Then kicking. The upset kept intensifying as his caregiver watched, not wanting to stop him from getting through his feelings (as she told another adult who asked if she could assist). She's surely been told somewhere along the line that accepting children's feelings means not stopping them. Yay!...But she's missing some follow -up.
Children need to know that it's okay to be angry or sad or excited or whatever else they feel. But they also sometimes need help getting through to the calm after. An adult standing by, mute, communicates a lack of interest, not acceptance. The child intensifies, needing guidance and reassurance. The adult, so good - heartedly eager to accept the child as they are, remains unphased. The child cries out more for the centering that occurs when an adult they're attached to can initiate a connection, empathize, and/ or provide the quiet physical comfort of a hug or back rub. The adult sees the child as needing to get through it.
Children aren't born knowing how to bring themselves back down from an emotional upset. As critical as it is for them to feel the whole human range of emotions, it's just as important to model and co-regulate with them. It won't always stop a tantrum, but that isn't the goal. The goal is to help the child successfully manage those big feelings, and come through the other side.
Why do we think children need to be told what they don't know? In my years of working with children, I've yet to meet one who needs to be told that they can't read yet. Or use scissors. Or walk. Children know their limitations just as well as they know what they can do, if not better. (Who hasn't had "I do it!" Become "Oops"?) This morning, while the children were working on their art (One was cutting confetti, one was drawing with both hands while trying to stabilize paper, one was making lines with the glue stick and trying to find a way to make it show up better on the paper, one was tearing for the sheer joy of noise, and one was trying his hardest to operate the scissors one-handed) it hit me. I didn't have to tell the confetti-cutter that she needed to learn how to control her scissor snips. I didn't have to tell the scissor explorer that he needed to practice aligning the blades with the paper. The children saw what needed to be do...
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