The last week of my program has seen a sudden burst of "I hate you!" from a couple of our preschoolers. I can understand the appeal to three- and four-year-olds; it's a very powerful phrase. Efficient, ruthless, and maybe a little daring. Gets a reaction from surrounding adults.
My coteacher and I were discussing how we are handling it, and what, if anything else, we should be doing. After some reflection, we decided that acknowledging "It looks like you're really angry that I/she/he/they (fill-in-the-blank here with the offending action). If you want to cool off and be alone, you may go somewhere else for as long as you need to." This has been working rather well, with the children taking the opportunity to find a place by themselves, whether that's their cot, the porch swing, or just a quiet corner that no one else is presently occupying. We're also working with the children on the receiving end on how to let the child be by themselves when they want it, and wait until they're ready to play again. This has been going well, with the "haters", so to speak, feeling what they need to feel and coming back to rejoin the group, or find a new one to participate with.
After a brief conversation with a parent, I realized what I haven't articulated. That reconnection period that is so critical to all of us. Both sides of this interaction need to experience forgiveness and remorse, on their own terms. We don't tell children to say "I'm sorry"- if you're forced to do it, it's meaningless. Personally, I make an effort to verbally apologize to children when I've wronged them, for it's own sake and also to impress on the child what an apology can look like. But children will naturally apologize in a less formal way when they're ready.
After anyone loses their temper, repairs need to be made to the relationship. That might be a hug, that might be playing together, that might be talking about what happened. It may involve a little of all three. Beneath anger is fear and sadness, and if we don't address those, the anger will remain. But if we make an effort to reconnect with that child and tell them with our words and actions that we still care about them and enjoy being with them, then that fear and sadness will begin to subside. If we stop at "it's okay to be by yourself if you need to", we're missing the message they're trying to send in the first place.
My coteacher and I were discussing how we are handling it, and what, if anything else, we should be doing. After some reflection, we decided that acknowledging "It looks like you're really angry that I/she/he/they (fill-in-the-blank here with the offending action). If you want to cool off and be alone, you may go somewhere else for as long as you need to." This has been working rather well, with the children taking the opportunity to find a place by themselves, whether that's their cot, the porch swing, or just a quiet corner that no one else is presently occupying. We're also working with the children on the receiving end on how to let the child be by themselves when they want it, and wait until they're ready to play again. This has been going well, with the "haters", so to speak, feeling what they need to feel and coming back to rejoin the group, or find a new one to participate with.
After a brief conversation with a parent, I realized what I haven't articulated. That reconnection period that is so critical to all of us. Both sides of this interaction need to experience forgiveness and remorse, on their own terms. We don't tell children to say "I'm sorry"- if you're forced to do it, it's meaningless. Personally, I make an effort to verbally apologize to children when I've wronged them, for it's own sake and also to impress on the child what an apology can look like. But children will naturally apologize in a less formal way when they're ready.
After anyone loses their temper, repairs need to be made to the relationship. That might be a hug, that might be playing together, that might be talking about what happened. It may involve a little of all three. Beneath anger is fear and sadness, and if we don't address those, the anger will remain. But if we make an effort to reconnect with that child and tell them with our words and actions that we still care about them and enjoy being with them, then that fear and sadness will begin to subside. If we stop at "it's okay to be by yourself if you need to", we're missing the message they're trying to send in the first place.
Comments
Post a Comment